After reading more this month than I have in years, I can’t say my mental health has been repaired, but it did remind me how I got through my teenage darkness completely sober.

My brain wasn’t a happy place, so I went elsewhere. 

Then, and now.

The first and probably most exciting journey this month was on Andy Weir’s Project Hail Mary. A while ago my husband read this book and found it interesting, which was intriguing because unlike me, he’s not a sci-fi person at all. And then recently a bookstagrammer I follow mentioned that she was reading it and was finding it difficult to put down; she found this noteworthy because she’s much more of a fantasy girl than sci-fi. Since I was choosing to read specifically to escape the madness in my mind, a story that would swoop me up and carry me far away was exactly right. It was glorious. It only lasted three days.

I wanted to instantly embark on a second space exploration, but my second Andy Weir-created rocket hadn’t arrived yet, so instead I timetraveled to Bette Green’s Summer of My German Soldier. I had been noticing it on my shelf and knew I had read it before but really could not remember what happens or how it ends. But the ending, although in theory hopeful, was so vague and unhelpful that I think I’ll forget it again at the first opportunity.

Markus Zusack beckoned from the bookshelf next, promising that I Am the Messenger. I couldn’t remember what this book was about at all and thought perhaps I had never read it, but then it was like walking through a house I had visited as a child. I didn’t know where the doors were, but I unexpectedly recognized bits of the decor. This kind of reread is perhaps my favorite experience: a beautiful balance of comforting and intriguing. 

Why would I leave the limitless journeys of fiction to read Elyse Myers’ recent book? That’s a Great Question, I Would Love to Tell You. It was mainly because I was curious about the context of this internet human, and partly because I thought Elyse Myers has had some experience with mental wellness not being easy. Perhaps she could help me. 

And then at last my rocketship arrived – The Martian, another book by Andy Weir. It carried me light years away, and made me actually laugh out several times on the journey. Given how well the first two worked, I’m thinking I should look if he wrote any others.

I would have felt lost when I returned to earth, but luckily one of the Enneagram instagram accounts I follow is doing a bookclub this year, and this month’s choice had finally been decided. I don’t normally read thrillers, but reading books I normally wouldn’t is precisely why I decided to participate. As a visit to someone else’s world, Anatomy of an Alibi by Ashley Elston had the effect of making me prefer my own problems.

My next move was to examine the madness more closely by reading Jean Rhys’ Wide Sargasso Sea. I had only read it once before and found it gripping at the time, but I always feel like I miss so much the first time I read a book because of the newness and not knowing where things are leading. This book, however, has no hopeful ending. Her only escape is death. 

But not for me, not yet, and I didn’t know where to go next. What You Are Looking For is in the Library, Michiko Aoyama assured me when I browsed through recommended titles online. That seemed right. Compared to the previous read, it was medicinal.

I intended to go Looking for Alibrandi with Melina Marchetta ever since March, but I didn’t have the book and it took a long time to arrive. I read Saving Francesca earlier this year, due to a) knowing I love it and have loved it ever since I was a teenager, and b) the general themes of how to get through mental darkness, and then I went down the rabbit hole of reading every book Melina Marchetta has ever written. There are never enough of them for me, but now I am pleased to report that I am the happy owner of them all – with the exception of a series of children’s books that she wrote which I only found out about a few minutes ago. 

I was Driven by Susie Wolff for a few chapters today, but I haven’t yet decided if I’m getting back in that car right away. She’d take me fast, but maybe not as far as I wish to go.

And honestly, I would rather go somewhere far, far stranger than that.