It’s 6:06pm on July 31. 

One of these days, I say to myself, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna break the streak. 

But I can’t quite let today be that day. 

I started at the end of 2021. November. I don’t remember what motivated me, or if I decided it then or later. But I’ve posted at least once on this blog every month since then.

I wish I could let today be that day.

It’s 6:53pm on July 31. 

I’m sitting in my living room, cradling my laptop. Its screen is dirty. There’s a stack of dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, a mound of clean laundry on the couch (and some more in the dryer), a pot of chicken stock simmering on the stove (which I was probably supposed to turn off at some point), packs of cod thawing in the sink, and oatmeal on the floor next to the little clock table where my daughter was eating noisily a few minutes ago. 

I do not have it all together.

I am angry. 

I would look calm, if you could see me. Quietly sitting here typing away.

All my insides are knotted together.

I have been angry for most of the day.

It should have been a good day. I got up at 6am, and went on a 3 mile run, and listened to mindset coaching while I did it. I ate a good breakfast. Took my vitamins. Put on an outfit I like. Did my hair and makeup. 

It was not a good day. Not for me, and not for my child. 

She, at least, seems like she has a reason for her mood. She is probably suffering from screentime withdrawals. 

My main parenting question of late: Do I let my child be disruptive and destroy things while I’m in my business meetings, or do I let her sit quietly beside me with her eyes glued to my phone? 

I’ve chosen the latter a lot lately. Today I didn’t, and then I got the bill for all the times I did. And for some reason, I did not feel like I had any cash in my emotional bank account. 

I tried, today.

I tried resetting us by stopping my work and taking her to get markers for her and drinks for us both.

I tried resetting us by lying down for a nap with her.

I tried faking it til I maked it. I never quite maked it but I had some moments that at least looked presentable.

I tried giving us both calming supplements. I tried spending time outside with her. I tried reading to her. I tried distracting her. I tried venting to my husband. I tried writing about it – well, I’m trying that right now.

I tried expressing my feelings, but that was more overflow than strategic.

I didn’t try drugs, but maybe I should have. 

Now it’s evening and I feel like I did nothing useful today, but Cameron Murdoch’s voice comes to me inside my head, asking if that is 100% true – and it isn’t.

I paid my team, and made some payments for my husband’s company. I answered questions from my team. I set up a net worth tracker account for us and was astonished. I booked various flights, hotels, car rentals, and event tickets that had been weighing on my mind. I showed my face on my business social media and in the mastermind chat I’m part of. I swept my porch and my carport and my kitchen, and I moved some laundry through my magical laundry cleaning machines. I tidied my house. I took care of my child and myself – at least kind of.

I have no tidy bow to tie this up with. I have no message. I have learned no lessons.

I thought about writing a tidy blog post. I thought about writing an extremely short blog post. I thought about not posting at all.

It’s 7:29pm on July 31. 

I’m done.

Actually I’m not, I still have things to do. But I’m done with this.