But only about myself. I refuse to publicly rant about the rest of the world right now.
1) My automatic reaction to drama is to check out. Ignore the problem until it goes away. Or at least until it proves that it’s real enough to have an actual effect on my life. This can be an unhealthy avoidance tactic when I’m dealing with my own issues, but in the case of world drama, it’s actually quite useful. World War Three, anyone?
2) I stress-eat. And stress-drink. The tendency is salty snacks and Dr Pepper, but really, anything will do. Apparently, there’s a psychological reason for this: when you’re eating, your primal brain assumes that you must be safe because obviously you wouldn’t be dumb enough to eat if you were in imminent danger.
3) My world has been remarkably consistent and predictable. Logically I knew that anything could happen at any time, but planning for the future still feels reasonably safe when your entire life has been moving in one general direction with few deviations or serious bumps.
4) I have been careless about washing my hands and touching my face. I touch my face a lot. A lot a lot.
5) I am deeply susceptible to fear. Not of the virus. Not of dying. Not even of economic breakdown. But of the darkness. Nothing scares me as much as not being able to see a future. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. I don’t know what comes next.
6) I believe everything, but mostly nothing. And the more emphatically someone states their Facebook Facts and/or uses God to validate their conspiracy theories, the further into the nothing they go. Maybe some human does actually know what is going on right now, but I don’t, and therefore I have no way of knowing if you do.
7) There is an immense amount of reassurance that comes with choosing to believe in a God who plans the world’s story and who is absolutely good. Of course, believing that He is playing a long game and is far more concerned with ultimate good than with present ease makes it not necessarily comfortable. But I think suffering becomes easier to accept if one can believe there is a purpose to it – which might be why conspiracy theories are thriving right now.
8) The introverted, tired, occasionally lazy part of me would really like to be ordered to stay home and do nothing for a month. The other part of me, which has some grasp of the existence of consequences, is still the boss.
9) As I embrace the uncertainty of these days, as I accept and release the fear, I have never felt so human. Darkness washes the streets, but my house still holds light. After all, we were created to walk in chaos as well as order. All the stories and proverbs and songs are more relevant and more relatable in this place.